Saturday, May 2, 2009

Six Easy Steps for Rebuilding America

1. There's nothing quite so illustrative as failure. Think back to the 80's for a moment (ahhh... Reagan Goodness. Since Obama was elected, this is my happy place). All the pro-capitalist arguments in the world weren't as effective as pointing to a breadline on the news and going, "See? That's why we don't want that here, hippie." The Democrats have been FAR superior to us in finger-pointing up until this point and that has to change. Clinton signed the deregulations that caused this economic crisis, yet the most parroted phrase on TV was "George Bush's failed economic policies". McCain had one thing right; we need to start naming names. When something bad happens, point fingers and let people know who's fault it was. Go on TV and talk radio with soundbyte after soundbyte of Senator Numbnuts supporting this wholeheartedly before it tanked and he decided it was the Republican's fault. The obvious question is, won't that make us just as wretched as the Dems? No. Because we bathe. But also, and most importantly, we have a step that comes after finger-pointing.

2. Actual Concrete Solutions! After what we'll term an Obama Epic Fail, come out with actual solutions. Make sure to explain how our principles tie into the solution, as well as pointing out how this could have been avoided had they listened to the Republicans. Voters are like small children. They have to be taught the right way to do things, as well as how insolent they were for opposing your superior logic in the first place.

3. We need to start having more sex. I know it's a lot to ask folks, but the easiest way to create a new conservative is to literally create them. Converting your uterus into a clown car is the single most patriotic thing a conservative American woman can do. Conservatives have typically shied away from large families because we like to actually, you know, have money. Stop investing in your 401K and start investing in this nation's future!

4. Teach children to shoot. This will serve two purposes, both of which will vastly improve our nation. Even if we start having children right away, the Chinese alone outnumber us 10-1. If we're going to compete we need to make sure every round counts. But the benefits don't stop with the military. We'll bus inner city kids out to the country for hunting trips. Your first reaction might be to shy away from teaching potential criminals how to properly fire a weapon - but you have to think long term. They're going to shoot at each other anyways, at least this way they might kill a few more of each other and a few less innocent bystanders. Win/win.

5. Countries just don't fear us enough anymore. Over 6 years of combat against fanatics has given me a few ideas on how to remedy this problem.

A. Bring back stuka sirens! Why the hell did we stop using horrific sounding sirens on our aircraft? I can understand not wanting to telegraph your punches against the Russians, but against insurgents that have no way of taking out a jet? They don't see it coming and it's almost too kind a way to take them out. We don't just want our enemies to die, we want them to crap their pants first. All air raids should be accompanied by helecopters blaring Ride of the Valkyries. We'll also randomly dispatch the choppers to patrol areas we don't intend to bomb, just to keep them on their toes.

B. Crazy Teddy's Gunboat Diplomacy. Every few months we should park a large portion of our navy off a random country's shore. When they call asking why, we reply, "Sorry about that, something this powerful is bound to get away from you every once in a while." "Don't blame us, the Chinese built our GPS" is also acceptable.

C. We need to re-examine how we designate our military units and and assign termonology. We're overlooking a valuable psychological weapon here. "The President dispatched three Divisions of Peacekeepers to Dafur today." Doesn't say 'we mean business' quite as eloquently as, "The President unleashed three Legions of Pacifiers on Dafur this morning."

D. Robots. Ever watch that show where 43 year old virgins and 10 year old Asian kids battled robots against each other? Why the hell are we investing billions of dollars so some MIT grad who wouldn't know an AK-47 from his own ass can design Lost In Space rejects? Toss a few dozen of these D&D playing knuckle-draggers in a room and they'll give you a robot that can rip the heads off Chi-Com soldiers like dandylion tops. And they'll build it out of a $30 Walmart vacuum, a $50 dollar chainsaw, and a $10 dollar webcam. This is the country that gave us recreational monster trucks and a man on the moon in the same decade. Americans seem to have just the right mixture of psychotic potential and desire to commit crimes against nature.

E. Walkers. 'Why walkers?' You might be quietly asking yourself. Well first off, don't ever question me again - it's impolite and it hurts my self-esteem. More importantly though, where are we fighting our wars these days? The Desert. What don't they have in the desert? Snowspeeders. It's brilliant I tell you. Besides, nothing says 'obey me' like the ability to actually step on a guy's house.

6. Dodgeball. Have you seen school kids these days? They make Rob Reiner look like Oliveoil. The other day I was driving past the high school I graduated from, and I saw kids WALKING around the track outside. Now, these aren't bad kids - they just lack motivation. The solution? Not only should all schools bring back dodgeball, but that's all they should do for the entire period year round. Make sure all classes stay coed too. Nothing makes a fat kid move like the fear of a rubber ball slamming into his gut at mach 3 in front of half the girls in his class. It's what the liberals would call 'positive reinforcement'. If you run, you don't get hurt and look like an ass in front of everyone. I'd call that positive.