Saturday, May 2, 2009

Six Easy Steps for Rebuilding America

1. There's nothing quite so illustrative as failure. Think back to the 80's for a moment (ahhh... Reagan Goodness. Since Obama was elected, this is my happy place). All the pro-capitalist arguments in the world weren't as effective as pointing to a breadline on the news and going, "See? That's why we don't want that here, hippie." The Democrats have been FAR superior to us in finger-pointing up until this point and that has to change. Clinton signed the deregulations that caused this economic crisis, yet the most parroted phrase on TV was "George Bush's failed economic policies". McCain had one thing right; we need to start naming names. When something bad happens, point fingers and let people know who's fault it was. Go on TV and talk radio with soundbyte after soundbyte of Senator Numbnuts supporting this wholeheartedly before it tanked and he decided it was the Republican's fault. The obvious question is, won't that make us just as wretched as the Dems? No. Because we bathe. But also, and most importantly, we have a step that comes after finger-pointing.

2. Actual Concrete Solutions! After what we'll term an Obama Epic Fail, come out with actual solutions. Make sure to explain how our principles tie into the solution, as well as pointing out how this could have been avoided had they listened to the Republicans. Voters are like small children. They have to be taught the right way to do things, as well as how insolent they were for opposing your superior logic in the first place.

3. We need to start having more sex. I know it's a lot to ask folks, but the easiest way to create a new conservative is to literally create them. Converting your uterus into a clown car is the single most patriotic thing a conservative American woman can do. Conservatives have typically shied away from large families because we like to actually, you know, have money. Stop investing in your 401K and start investing in this nation's future!

4. Teach children to shoot. This will serve two purposes, both of which will vastly improve our nation. Even if we start having children right away, the Chinese alone outnumber us 10-1. If we're going to compete we need to make sure every round counts. But the benefits don't stop with the military. We'll bus inner city kids out to the country for hunting trips. Your first reaction might be to shy away from teaching potential criminals how to properly fire a weapon - but you have to think long term. They're going to shoot at each other anyways, at least this way they might kill a few more of each other and a few less innocent bystanders. Win/win.

5. Countries just don't fear us enough anymore. Over 6 years of combat against fanatics has given me a few ideas on how to remedy this problem.

A. Bring back stuka sirens! Why the hell did we stop using horrific sounding sirens on our aircraft? I can understand not wanting to telegraph your punches against the Russians, but against insurgents that have no way of taking out a jet? They don't see it coming and it's almost too kind a way to take them out. We don't just want our enemies to die, we want them to crap their pants first. All air raids should be accompanied by helecopters blaring Ride of the Valkyries. We'll also randomly dispatch the choppers to patrol areas we don't intend to bomb, just to keep them on their toes.

B. Crazy Teddy's Gunboat Diplomacy. Every few months we should park a large portion of our navy off a random country's shore. When they call asking why, we reply, "Sorry about that, something this powerful is bound to get away from you every once in a while." "Don't blame us, the Chinese built our GPS" is also acceptable.

C. We need to re-examine how we designate our military units and and assign termonology. We're overlooking a valuable psychological weapon here. "The President dispatched three Divisions of Peacekeepers to Dafur today." Doesn't say 'we mean business' quite as eloquently as, "The President unleashed three Legions of Pacifiers on Dafur this morning."

D. Robots. Ever watch that show where 43 year old virgins and 10 year old Asian kids battled robots against each other? Why the hell are we investing billions of dollars so some MIT grad who wouldn't know an AK-47 from his own ass can design Lost In Space rejects? Toss a few dozen of these D&D playing knuckle-draggers in a room and they'll give you a robot that can rip the heads off Chi-Com soldiers like dandylion tops. And they'll build it out of a $30 Walmart vacuum, a $50 dollar chainsaw, and a $10 dollar webcam. This is the country that gave us recreational monster trucks and a man on the moon in the same decade. Americans seem to have just the right mixture of psychotic potential and desire to commit crimes against nature.

E. Walkers. 'Why walkers?' You might be quietly asking yourself. Well first off, don't ever question me again - it's impolite and it hurts my self-esteem. More importantly though, where are we fighting our wars these days? The Desert. What don't they have in the desert? Snowspeeders. It's brilliant I tell you. Besides, nothing says 'obey me' like the ability to actually step on a guy's house.

6. Dodgeball. Have you seen school kids these days? They make Rob Reiner look like Oliveoil. The other day I was driving past the high school I graduated from, and I saw kids WALKING around the track outside. Now, these aren't bad kids - they just lack motivation. The solution? Not only should all schools bring back dodgeball, but that's all they should do for the entire period year round. Make sure all classes stay coed too. Nothing makes a fat kid move like the fear of a rubber ball slamming into his gut at mach 3 in front of half the girls in his class. It's what the liberals would call 'positive reinforcement'. If you run, you don't get hurt and look like an ass in front of everyone. I'd call that positive.

Monday, February 16, 2009

President's Day Tribute

In honor of President's Day, I've decided to bequeath a whole slew of little known, but still completely true, facts about our great nation's leaders.

A few of the fun facts I’ve come across over the course of my studies:

* Andrew Jackson was the first President to order the expulsion of a French Ambassador - by cannon.

* George Washington could walk on water - but tragically, only if no one was looking.

* Dwight Eisenhower is the only President to pass the Folgers Crystals test.

* The Cuban Missile Crisis was actually caused by JFK’s incessant drunk-dialing of the Kremlin. It was only averted when he promised to stop referring to Politburo as a bunch of ‘vodka swilling chowda heads’.

* After decades of research by dozens of historians, the general consensus is that Chester A. Arthur was actually a figment of America’s collective imagination.

* Before becoming President, Martin Van Buren was a children's cereal mascot.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Thought of the Day

People vote for Democrats because they hate the rich.

People vote for Republicans because they want to BE rich.

So which is really the party of HOPE?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Save The Iraqi People!

This picture was taken in an Iraqi police station today when they received news of the new security agreement that will keep US troops in Iraq until 2012. Just look at the fear and loathing in their eyes! End the occupation!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Aftermath

Last night, November 4th, 2008, we (not myself personally, but other Americans) elected Barack Obama President of the United States.

For posterity, I would like to preserve a few of the headlines from November 5th, 2008:

"Wall Street plunges as Investors Ponder Obama Presidency"

"Russia Threatens to Electronically Jam U.S. Missile Shield"

"Russia Places Missiles on EU Border"

"Iran Warns US Not to Violate Airspace"

"Hamas Fires Over 35 Rockets Towards Israel"

"Israel Launches First Airstrike on Gaza Since June"

"Jogger Runs Mile With Rabid Fox Locked on Her Arm"

Dow: -5% Nasdaq: -5.5%

So, our economy is tanking even further, our enemies are emboldened, and rabid animals have descended to feast on our recreational runners. Good decision we made there.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Thought of the Day

Scott's thought of the day:

The problem with autocracy is that the people inevitably come to loathe the State. The problem with Democracy is that the people inevitably come to loathe each other.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I Woke Up In Bizarro Land and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

So, I wake up this morning, and apparently up is down, right is wrong, and Democrats have become sexist assholes. Go figure.

Seriously, if Hillary Clinton had gotten the nomination, and Chelsea was a pregnant 17 year old - what would the response be like if a Republican told her to 'go home and get her house in order'? They would be shitting kittens. But it's apparently perfectly acceptable to first accuse a VP candidate of faking a pregnancy to cover for her daughter, who it turns out couldn't have been pregnant then because she is now, and the two overlap. THEN, when you can no longer try and beat that drum because the daughter is pregnant, you call he a bad mother who didn't educate her daughter about sex or birth control.

Yes, because no one has ever done ANYTHING their parents told them not to. I suppose Al Gore can't be against kids smoking pot because his son was busted with dope? Real quality logic there.